A Guide For Women Facing Domestic Violence and Unsafe Situations
If you ever find yourself at a party or social gathering where a man becomes violent, drunk, or belligerent, it can be really overwhelming to know what the safest next steps are—especially if you’re thinking about calling for help. This post aims to guide women who might find themselves (or their friends) in situations like this. I want you to know: you are not alone, and there are ways to get help safely.
Let’s walk through practical steps, offer some much-needed perspective, and talk honestly about the complex decisions survivors face. This blog is written with real experiences, and for women who may be unsure of what to do when things take a bad turn.
Understanding the Situation: What Happens When Violence Escalates
Violence at a party, especially by someone who’s been drinking, is more common than most people realize. It’s a tough spot to be in, whether it’s happening to you or someone you know. As much as we want to believe we’ll act quickly and decisively, realities on the ground can complicate decisions.
Let’s set the scene:
“So what do you do if you’re at a party with a drunken, violent, belligerent male and it’s getting to the stage where it looks like you may need to call the police for assistance?”
This single question holds a lot of weight. It’s more than just “do I call the police?” It’s about safety, consequences, and understanding the best way forward.
Step One: Assessing Immediate Danger
Before making a call, take stock of what’s happening. Here’s a basic checklist to help you think clearly:
Is anyone physically hurt right now?
If there are injuries, help is needed immediately.Is the person escalating or calming down?
Are they still shouting, throwing things, or getting aggressive?Are children or other vulnerable people involved?
Their safety needs to be prioritized.Do you feel safe making a call from where you are?
Sometimes, stepping into another room (or going outside) to make the call is necessary.Do you know the person, or is it someone else’s partner?
This could impact how you handle things.
Safety comes first—always.
Calling for Help: Police or Ambulance?
You might assume the police are the first to call when violence breaks out. There’s another option that not everyone considers: calling for an ambulance, especially in cases where alcohol or mental health is a factor.
Why Call an Ambulance for a Mental Health Crisis?
“When you call emergency services, request an ambulance for somebody having a mental health crisis. The ambulance team can call for police to assist with backup, but at least it will be dealt with from a perspective of this person needing help and assistance more so than escalating further violence.”
What’s Different About This Approach?
De-escalation is more likely.
When paramedics arrive first, the situation can be seen more as a health issue than a criminal offense.Medical staff are trained for crisis.
They can assess if the person is just drunk, in real mental distress, or both.Calling an ambulance doesn’t rule out police.
Paramedics can bring officers if things are out of control, but the situation may be less likely to turn violent.
How to Talk to Emergency Services
It’s normal to be nervous when making these calls. Here’s what you can do to stay grounded and make sure you’re understood:
Be clear about the situation.
“I’m at a party. There’s a drunk, violent man who is scaring people and needs help.”Say what you want:
“I think he is having a mental health crisis, and I’m worried someone will get hurt.”Describe what’s happening, not just how you feel.
“He is yelling, throwing furniture, and has threatened a woman here.”Let them decide the response.
Dispatchers are trained to ask the right questions and send the right help.
“You can make it clear to the emergency services what’s going on and they can obviously make that call.”
(Visual: An illustrated flowchart showing steps when violence breaks out, and options to call police vs. ambulance)
Why Not Always Call the Police? Understanding Her Hesitation
As outsiders, we might believe that the fastest way to safety is involving the police. But here’s the truth: many women hesitate to go that route, even when it’s serious.
The Realities Behind “Not Pressing Charges”
“Why would a woman not want you to call the police? Because she’s probably not ready to press charges. Pressing charges means the end of the relationship there and then, and she may not be in a safe place, financially or overall, in order to leave quite yet. So it’s a difficult decision with many layers, and it’s very difficult to make that decision in the moment and to decide to call police, press charges and take things down a criminal route.”
Common Reasons Women Wait:
Not ready to end the relationship.
Walking away has long-lasting, life-changing effects.Financial dependence.
Many women can’t just pack up and leave safely.No safe place to go.
Shelters are limited, friends’ homes might not be an option, and moving quickly can leave women with very little.Fear of retaliation.
Many women worry that police intervention will make things worse later.
(Visual: Emotional illustration of a woman hesitating by a telephone, weighing risks.)
Why Empathy and Patience Matter
If you are a friend, bystander, or family member, show understanding—even if you wish the person would “just leave.” You may be seeing just the tip of the iceberg.
“So do have a bit of sympathy and patience if the woman is not yet ready to take that path.”
When someone stays, it’s often for a reason only she fully understands.
A Survivor’s Story: “Why I Had to Leave So Quickly”
Sometimes, things turn so bad that you have to get out, right then and there, with no time to plan. The impact of suddenly leaving your home is deep and sticks with you.
“When my partner lunged at me and put his hands around my neck whilst I was breastfeeding our son, I had to leave very quickly after that and I didn’t have a toothbrush, underwear, a place lined up to go. So it’s a really difficult position to be in and to be kicked out of your home for your own safety and to have nothing. It’s difficult to leave. Please believe women when they say that it’s not straightforward.”
What You Might Not Realize
Leaving is often instant, without warning.
There’s no time to pack bags or figure out where you’ll stay.Basic needs are often left behind.
Toothbrush? Clothes? Important papers? Many women leave with none of it.The loss is emotional and physical.
Safety costs not just finances but the comfort of routine and the feeling of “home.”Judgment hurts.
Telling women to “just leave”—without knowing the context—piles on the guilt.
(Visual: An open front door, belongings hastily left behind, symbolizing quick flight for safety.)
Why a Safety Plan Matters
Staying safe isn’t just about calling for help in the moment. Many women develop a personal safety plan—often in secret.
What Is a Safety Plan?
It is a step-by-step plan, made in advance, to leave a dangerous situation in the safest way possible. It may also include:
Where to go in an emergency
Who to call for help
What to pack (papers, money, essentials)
How to get out safely if violence erupts
Even having a rough outline can help when panic sets in.
“There’s so many layers and you need a safety plan and you need to plan.”
(Visual: Checklist of basic safety plan steps for women, with a bag, phone, keys, and documents.)
If You’re a Supportive Friend
If you’re reading this because you’re worried about a friend or loved one:
Believe her.
If she says she isn’t ready to leave, support her as she figures it out.Stay available.
Sometimes just a safe place to crash or ride to the doctor matters most.Offer—not demand—help.
Practical help like storing belongings, lending money, or passing along numbers for shelters can make a difference.Keep the focus on safety, not blame.
Remove “why did you stay?” from your list of questions.
Emergency Contacts to Know
Wherever you live, memorize or save these:
In the U.S.:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 / thehotline.org
If you’re in danger: Call 911
Text “START” to 88788 for confidential help
In the UK:
Refuge: 0808 2000 247 / refuge.org.uk
Women’s Aid: womensaid.org.uk
Check for your country’s local organizations and save their info in a hidden spot on your phone or email.
Quick Tips for Creating a Safety Plan
Keep emergency cash hidden (in your car, or with a trusted friend)
Gather important papers (ID, birth certificate, passport)
Pack essentials (medicines, a change of clothes)
Keep a list of important phone numbers
Have a bag ready in case you need to leave fast
Let a close friend know your plan, if possible
(Visual: Discreet “go bag” with essentials peeking out—ID, money, clothes, a phone, small keepsake.)
Know You Are Not Alone
No one chooses to be in an unsafe relationship or party situation. The steps to get out involve courage, planning, and, sometimes, the help of others.
“Please believe women when they say that it’s not straightforward.”
You are not weak or at fault for needing time, or for fearing the next step. Reach out if you can. If you can’t now, start planning quietly. Even the smallest step matters.
More Resources
Loveisrespect – for younger women or those dating
Chayn – digital tools and resources for survivors
A Final Word
If you ever find yourself in danger—at a party, in your home, or anywhere—remember:
Your safety is worth every effort.
If calling the police feels too risky, calling for medical support or an ambulance as a “mental health crisis” can sometimes buy time, de-escalate, or bring in the right support staff.
If you are supporting someone in crisis, your non-judgmental patience is a gift. Listen, love, stay present. Help plan, help pack, help leave when ready.
“There’s so many layers and you need a safety plan and you need to plan.”
Stay safe. Keep believing in yourself (and in each other).
If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services or the hotline in your country right now. Help is out there.